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There's been a bit of discussion on Newsvine recently about how best to go about "fitting in" to the community. Some of these have been productive, some not so much. But the thing I noticed is that not only have these articles not been crude or offensive enough, they also are only telling people what to do, and don't touch on what not to do. So in the spirit of unproductiveness and unhelpfulness, I've put together a handy 15 point list that will hopefully damage enough egos and turn Newsvine into a more docile and spiritless news site.
1. Don't create strawman arguments and honestly expect your opponents to assume that role and debate with you. Not everyone here is Markos Moulitsas. Not everyone here is Glen Greenwald. If the only critique about an ideology lies in whatever extreme position you pulled out of your ass, I'd say you don't have much of a case.
2. Drop the partisan bull@!$%#. This isn't the United States congress, and it shouldn't be. Killfile is not "the left", he's just Killfile. Otto is not "the right", he's just Otto. If the only thing you can write about day after day is how much liberals or conservatives suck, then find a different hobby. It's been done, and it was just as boring the first time around. The most interesting members of Newsvine are the ones that you can't pin down with "right" and "left" labels.
3. Get over yourself. You're probably not saying anything that we haven't heard a thousand times already, so stop acting as if you are the first person to sprout a particular talking point, and then whine when no one notices your self-assumed genius.
4. Get a sense of humor. Learn to laugh at yourself, learn to laugh at others. Make some jokes, we all know that everyone's favorite Newsvine members are the comedians. And no, that talking point that Rush Limbaugh or Jon Stewart came up with two years ago isn't comedy gold. See tip# 3.
5. If you can't handle having your ideas debated and must respond with insults of those that dare question you, do us a favor and head back to whatever internet echo chamber you came out of, where you'll receive the love and adoration you feel you deserve. You'll be happy, we'll be happy. Everybody. Happy.
6. If you decide that you are going to leave, just leave. We already have enough articles talking about how much we all suck and that you had it so much better somewhere else.
7. Realize that if 90% of the Newsvine community takes offense at a comment you make, it most likely isn't because of some ingrained bias against you; it's probably because you're kind of an @!$%#.
8. If you're starting out a sentence with "I know that this might be offensive, but…" or "I'll probably take a lot of heat for this, but…" just stop. You're right. It probably is offensive, and you acknowledging it beforehand doesn't make it any less so. In reality, it only makes you look like a jackass, because you're fully aware that it's offensive and still say it, and passive aggressiveness is pretty annoying.
9. Sprouting of abstract comments and inside jokes that only you get does not make us think you are a deep thinker or mysterious philosopher. It only makes us wish you'd lay off the bong before you comment.
10. If you're starting a sentence with "All right-wingers..", "All leftists…", "All Christians…", "All Pro-Abortionists…", or "All" anything, you're probably not going to say anything interesting or intelligent. So don't bother.
11. Be respectful. Not only does this ensure that the community will grow to appreciate your integrity, it also ensures that you'll make whomever you are debating with look like a psycho when they fly off the handle at you.
12. Don't whine about the reputation you've given yourself. If you write insulting and inflammatory articles, don't play the martyr when it's pointed out to you that trolling is your "niche". You're not fooling anybody, and if you think you are, then you either are an idiot or you are really hoping that the whole of Newsvine is. And I hate to break it to you, but the Newsvine community is not full of idiots.
13. Can stand that someone is making a killing with their article while yours is ignored? Get over it, and try again. Don't write an article about how unjust it is. You can't guilt someone into reading your articles any more than you can guilt someone into being your best friend. And complaining about that few cents that you lost out on just makes you look petty.
14. If you are a mean drunk, don't post here while you're drunk. Go harass your overworked bartender instead; he or she is used to that bull@!$%#. If you are a happy drunk, then by all means, get plastered before you even think about logging into the site. But keep in mind that it is beyond Captain Morgan's reach to elevate you to the All-Wise Guru Status.
15. Typing your opinion all in caps does not make us pay more attention to the nonsense you are sprouting. It just makes us wish you'd go back to MySpace.
